Friday, August 31, 2007

Serious Bizness

Late one hot summer night, at a local police station, the phone rings:

Officer Joshiano: Hello, 911, what is the nature of your emergency?
Jive Belladonna: You gotta help, hurry hurry , please... my friends life is in grave danger... hurry up
Officer Joshiano: Where is the location of the attack?
Jive Belladonna: Teh forums!
Officer Joshiano: Where the football team plays?
Jive Belladonna: No, on the innerwebs! hurry up hurry up.
Officer Joshiano: The what?
Jive Belladonna: Uncut/cut?
Officer Joshiano: excuse me?
Jive Belladonna: how big?
Officer Joshiano: this is 911, please state the nature of your emergency.
Jive Belladonna: look, you have to save my friends life!
Officer Joshiano: ok, please, calm down and dont talk so much, you sound like a little dog who wont stop yapping
Jive Belladonna: Yip Yip Yip ... look, when i am governor of this state, im gonna have you cleaning porta pottys at the county jail
Officer Joshiano: this line is for emergencies only, do you have an emergency?
Jive Belladonna: yes, you need to arrest mulch!
Officer Joshiano: who?
Jive Belladonna: the guy who is prolly killing my best friend ever, who i deeply care for, right this minute
Officer Joshiano: ok, where is the attack taking place?
Jive Belladonna: at second denizen and second galaxy
Officer Joshiano: is that a say what?
Jive Belladonna: yes, he used a song and video to threaten the life of a dear friend of mine
Officer Joshiano: what song
Jive Belladonna: here, ill send you the link to the video!

Officer Joshiano: ok... so he attacked you with a white boy rap song? anything else?
Jive Belladonna: you need to read the lyrics he posted, he mentioned my best friend for life right in the lyrics
Officer Joshiano: can you send me a copy?
Jive Belladonna: sure

Yo VIP let's kick it

Ice ice baby (x2)
All right stop collaborate and listen
Ice is back with my brand new invention
Something grabs a hold of me tightly
Flow like a harpoon daily and nightly
Will it ever stop yo I don't know
Turn off the lights and I'll glow
To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle
Dance go rush to the speaker that booms
I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom
Deadly when I play a dope melody
Anything less than the best is a felony
Love it or leave it you better gain weight
You better hit bull's eye the kid don't play
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

Ice ice baby vanillla (x4)

Now that the party is jumping
With the bass kicked in and the vegas are pumpin'
Quick to the point to the point no faking
I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon
Burning them if you ain't quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi-hat with a souped up tempo
I'm on a roll and it's time to go solo
Rollin' in my 5.0
With my rag-top down so my hair can blow
The girlies on standby waving just to say hi
Did you stop no I just drove by
Kept on pursuing to the next stop
I busted a left and I'm heading to the next block
The block was dead
Yo so I continued to A1A Beachfront Avenue
Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis
Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis
Jealous 'cause I'm out getting mine
Shay with a guage and Vanilla with a nine
Reading for the chumps on the wall
The chumps acting ill because they're so full of eight balls
Gunshots rang out like a bell
I grabbed my nine all I heard were shells
Falling on the concrete real fast
Jumped in my car slammed on the gas
Bumpet to bumper the avenue's packed
I'm trying to get away before the jackers jack
Police on the scene you know what I mean
They passed me up confronted all the dope fiends
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it


Take heed 'cause I'm a lyrical poet
Miami's on the scene just in case you didn't know it
My town that created all the bass sound
Enough to shake and kick holes in the ground
'Cause my style's like a chemical spill
Feasible rhymes that you can vision and feel
Conducted and formed
This is a hell of a concept
We make it hype and you want to step with this
Shay plays on the fade slice like a ninja
Cut like a razor blade so fast other DJs say damn
If my rhyme was a drug I'd sell it by the gram
Keep my composure when it's time to get loose
Magnetized by the mic while I kick my juice
If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while Shay revolves it

Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby (oh-oh) vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla
Ice ice baby vanilla ice
Yo man let's get out of here
Word to your mother
Ice ice baby too cold
Ice ice baby too cold too cold (x2)
Ice ice baby

Officer Joshiano: ok that is bad... ive never read such horrible lyrics
Jive Belladonna: no, but he mentioned my friend AND his mother as a cherry on the top of my big, hot throbbing banana split
Officer Joshiano: where?
Jive Belladonna: he specifically bolded the letter V all by itself
Officer Joshiano: so?
Jive Belladonna: my bros real life fake name is Fernando Venezuala, he is obviously talking about him!
Officer Joshiano: what? real fake what?
Jive Belladonna: its his second life name, but i love him so go help
Officer Joshiano: look, as much as id like to help, God knows it should be a crime to listen to rap, my daughter likes that shit...
Jive Belladonna: breeder!
Officer Joshiano: excuse me?
Jive Belladonna: anyway, will you go arrest him, please please , and then strip search him, and send me pictures of the cavity search?
Officer Joshiano: like i said, no crime has been committed... unless he went right up to your friends face and did it
Jive Belladonna: well he did, right there on his own forum
Officer Joshiano: forum?
Jive Belladonna: yeah, its a forum for this video game we all play, except mulch, he hates it, i dont know why hes even here... did i ever tell you about my postcount?
Officer Joshiano: postwhat?
Jive Belladonna: look, my ex boyfriends brothers sister in laws nieghbors cat was a police officer, so i know how you should be doing your job
Officer Joshiano: my what?
Jive Belladonna: wanna make out?
Officer Joshiano: look, ill refer this to a detective if i can stop laughing, soon enough, dont call us, we'll call you
Jive Belladonna: you are just a mulch sock puppet
Officer Joshiano: look kid, tell your dad not to let you play on the innerwebs, ok?
Jive Belladonna: you excruciatingly nauseating dripping cuntbag
Officer Joshiano: bye bye you... click... you rabid infectious little mangy mutt

Officer Joshiano: hello, 911 what is the nature of your emergency
Caller: Yes, someone broke into our house and locked us in the closet and while robbing us, i called you guys, but ive been on hold like 13 minutes or so and we just heard him drive away... i think he shot an innocent bystander on the street on his way out...

the preceding was a work of fiction, satire, parody, and utter fantasy... any resemblance between actual people or events is entirely coincidental


Anonymous said...

funniest shit ever

Imaya said...



*wild applause*

Kris O said...

OMG check this out if you think this is comedy gold.


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